Saturday, December 13, 2008
Side by side
When I go to work, people call out "Here Comes Skinny". I always turn around to see who is standing behind me. Usually there is no one. Skinny is not a work I am familiar with anymore. When I was little, (really really little - like age 4) my parents and family used to call me "Skinny Minnie". Since it's been many, many, and many more years since then, the word Skinny describes everyone in the world but me. My friends are skinny, my kids are skinny, my husband used to be skinny (thank goodness he grew out of that stage haha). And as everyone around me stayed skinny, I did the opposite.
Now about 8 months into my weight loss journey, because that's what it is a journey, I am discovering things I have lost over the past 12 years. I haven't found everything but I am working on it. Someone said something the other day and I didn't think much about it at the time but upon reflection, it makes sense. When I showed them a "fat picture" of myself they said I don't look the same. It was like a fat lady ate me up. Maybe that's true.
As I became "fat" (and I know that it upsets people when I say this because they love me and never saw me as fat but if and when they stop and really look at who and what I had become, I was FAT) I became someone else. I seemed to have taken all the hurt, sadness, disappointment, anger, frustration, loneliness, and any other un happy feelings, and I ate them. Literally. In every delicious way I could. I am sure I even ate un-delicious ones. 12 years is alot of eating to make up for what's missing in life on a daily basis. And as I ate all those feelings, I changed inside and out. I became a bitter unhappy person. This is because for everything I ate that represented a bad feeling, that broke me just a little more. Every pound I gained represented a little more of me (the real me) disappearing. At the end, I was a bitter fat woman. No longer the bubbly happy girl I used to be. And again yes when it started, I was still a girl.
Now half way thru my journey, I have found some of myself that I had lost. I am learning that it is ok to put myself first. It's very hard and I feel selfish. I don't know why society makes us feel that if we put ourselves first, that is wrong. As mothers, wives, loved ones, shouldn't we put ourselves first? That way we are happier to take care of those we love?
I am learning to voice my opinion again. And not in the agree with who's talking, but to say what I really feel. This is shocking some people. I don't care you ask me , I may tell you what I think and I don't care if you don't like it, it's truly how I feel.
I am finding confidence. Now this doesn't mean I am doing anything major, it's baby steps. Something as small as going to a workout class by myself with a group of people I don't know. Before I would never do this because not only would I stand out because I was new but because I was fat and new. I didn't want people to notice me. The fat lady who ate me was extremely shy. She was miles away from the girl who's friends used to curl her hair and put into tight dresses that were tight tight against her ample chest and would drag her up to eldo to lure the guys to come talk to us. (yes this is true right brigi? I even think it was your dress it was like the baby got back video dress haha) I didn't like doing anything out of my comfort zone. It made me extremely uncomfortable. Now I am making small goals for myself to break out of that zone. I want to get out there, I want to meet new people and live new experiences.
I have found my spouse. We take time for us. This is maybe the most important part. When I wasn't happy, my husband couldn't be happy. The fat lady wasn't who he had married. I don't mean this as he wasn't happy to be with the outside of the person I had become but the inside. Especially when we both know that he helped create it. I am not putting all the blame on him. I am putting it on us. There never was middle ground. It was do it my way or do it his way and we never agreed on it at the same time. Now we mesh. We have found common interest. We share equally and give to the other equally. We sacrifice for the other. It is amazing. And with each hurdle I overcome, he is proud of me and tells me this. And just this little thing makes a little more of the fat lady disappear and the true me come back out. I know feel like we have got each others backs. I know we did before but we both were always hesitant of was it a wavering coverage or strong. Now its strong coverage all the time period.
I have found energy to be the mom I wanted to be. I used to sit at home on the weekends feeling sorry for myself. Now we get out and do things. I don't feel like hiding so I don't embarrass my kids with having a big mommy.
At the end of the day when I reflect on the "skinny " comments, No I am not skinny, I am healthy, I am happy. I don't think "skinny" will ever be me. But so many of the people in my life now never knew "skinny Minnie" so in their minds I am now that person. Compared to what I looked like 8 months ago, I guess I do look "skinnier". I know it's just a word, but it's not a word I am comfortable with because it's not me and it's not who I want to be. Maybe I should just tell them to call me "The New Girl".