After two days of sitting around doing much of nothing but watching holiday movies, it makes the old gears in the head start turning.
The countdown to the big day is on. Hannah daily gives me the day's left tally. (Sometimes more than 5 times) While she looks at the gifts under the tree with gleam in her eyes, it makes me wish I could really make her understand what it's all really about.
I wish the girls could appreciate the important things in life. This year I am becoming increasingly away of all we take for granted. With all the daily reminders of the failing economy, it makes me more aware of how lucky all in this house are. Even the small things seem so big.
I feel so blessed that we have Job Security. Even though Mark and I are not doing our dream jobs, we both are in places where we don't have to worry about being unemployed. My heart breaks for those family's that have lost jobs or feel the stress of wondering daily if and when they are next. I can't imagine what that would feel like.
Because of that, I am thankful that we have no fear of losing our home. While so many people have been dreaming of bigger and better, while we have dreamed it too, we never made the jump. Financially, it never happened. While for awhile it made me so sad to see everyone we knew move toward their dream homes while we stayed in our small cozy abode, now I am glad. We don't have to worry about how we are going to make our payments. My heart breaks to see those dreams crumble. I am so sorry for those who are having to sell their homes because they can't afford them. What makes it even worse is the need to sell and not being able to sell because no one can afford that beautiful big home.
Our health, it was a bumpy road this year health wise but I am thankful that they were small bumps. Mark has an upcoming surgery that's a bit on the scary side but again its just something so small in the grand scheme of things. We are so blessed to be healthy. No one has had any major illnesses this year. We haven't lost anyone. My thoughts frequently go to those with loved ones in the hospital during the holidays. How hard that must be. If only we all could wish really hard at the same time and everyone would be healed. What a miracle that would be. And this is the season of Miracles right. If only. I am so truly sorry for those of you who have lost loved ones this year.
As I sit here sipping coffee, in my jammies thinking how lucky and blessed this year has been for my family, I just want to say to those who haven't had it so good, just know that it's you that I am thinking and worrying about.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
When I go to work, people call out "Here Comes Skinny". I always turn around to see who is standing behind me. Usually there is no one. Skinny is not a work I am familiar with anymore. When I was little, (really really little - like age 4) my parents and family used to call me "Skinny Minnie". Since it's been many, many, and many more years since then, the word Skinny describes everyone in the world but me. My friends are skinny, my kids are skinny, my husband used to be skinny (thank goodness he grew out of that stage haha). And as everyone around me stayed skinny, I did the opposite.
Now about 8 months into my weight loss journey, because that's what it is a journey, I am discovering things I have lost over the past 12 years. I haven't found everything but I am working on it. Someone said something the other day and I didn't think much about it at the time but upon reflection, it makes sense. When I showed them a "fat picture" of myself they said I don't look the same. It was like a fat lady ate me up. Maybe that's true.
As I became "fat" (and I know that it upsets people when I say this because they love me and never saw me as fat but if and when they stop and really look at who and what I had become, I was FAT) I became someone else. I seemed to have taken all the hurt, sadness, disappointment, anger, frustration, loneliness, and any other un happy feelings, and I ate them. Literally. In every delicious way I could. I am sure I even ate un-delicious ones. 12 years is alot of eating to make up for what's missing in life on a daily basis. And as I ate all those feelings, I changed inside and out. I became a bitter unhappy person. This is because for everything I ate that represented a bad feeling, that broke me just a little more. Every pound I gained represented a little more of me (the real me) disappearing. At the end, I was a bitter fat woman. No longer the bubbly happy girl I used to be. And again yes when it started, I was still a girl.
Now half way thru my journey, I have found some of myself that I had lost. I am learning that it is ok to put myself first. It's very hard and I feel selfish. I don't know why society makes us feel that if we put ourselves first, that is wrong. As mothers, wives, loved ones, shouldn't we put ourselves first? That way we are happier to take care of those we love?
I am learning to voice my opinion again. And not in the agree with who's talking, but to say what I really feel. This is shocking some people. I don't care you ask me , I may tell you what I think and I don't care if you don't like it, it's truly how I feel.
I am finding confidence. Now this doesn't mean I am doing anything major, it's baby steps. Something as small as going to a workout class by myself with a group of people I don't know. Before I would never do this because not only would I stand out because I was new but because I was fat and new. I didn't want people to notice me. The fat lady who ate me was extremely shy. She was miles away from the girl who's friends used to curl her hair and put into tight dresses that were tight tight against her ample chest and would drag her up to eldo to lure the guys to come talk to us. (yes this is true right brigi? I even think it was your dress it was like the baby got back video dress haha) I didn't like doing anything out of my comfort zone. It made me extremely uncomfortable. Now I am making small goals for myself to break out of that zone. I want to get out there, I want to meet new people and live new experiences.
I have found my spouse. We take time for us. This is maybe the most important part. When I wasn't happy, my husband couldn't be happy. The fat lady wasn't who he had married. I don't mean this as he wasn't happy to be with the outside of the person I had become but the inside. Especially when we both know that he helped create it. I am not putting all the blame on him. I am putting it on us. There never was middle ground. It was do it my way or do it his way and we never agreed on it at the same time. Now we mesh. We have found common interest. We share equally and give to the other equally. We sacrifice for the other. It is amazing. And with each hurdle I overcome, he is proud of me and tells me this. And just this little thing makes a little more of the fat lady disappear and the true me come back out. I know feel like we have got each others backs. I know we did before but we both were always hesitant of was it a wavering coverage or strong. Now its strong coverage all the time period.
I have found energy to be the mom I wanted to be. I used to sit at home on the weekends feeling sorry for myself. Now we get out and do things. I don't feel like hiding so I don't embarrass my kids with having a big mommy.
At the end of the day when I reflect on the "skinny " comments, No I am not skinny, I am healthy, I am happy. I don't think "skinny" will ever be me. But so many of the people in my life now never knew "skinny Minnie" so in their minds I am now that person. Compared to what I looked like 8 months ago, I guess I do look "skinnier". I know it's just a word, but it's not a word I am comfortable with because it's not me and it's not who I want to be. Maybe I should just tell them to call me "The New Girl".