Who am I?

Ok so I must be honest with myself. I haven't been doing well at posting. I am avoiding the computer. SHH........ I think I might be suffering from a touch of depression.

Or..... can you get baby blues....... when your baby is almost 6?

I know so many of my friends are going thru some similar feelings right now. I suppose this is what happens when all of our wee ones are so close in age.

My heart breaks for all of us for our own individual dilemma's. OK what is she talking about you may be asking? With back to school time came....... the actual action of sending the kids back to school. This means our babies are being sent off to school. I mean us moms we thought about it with glee but did we really think about the actual part of doing it? I for one didn't. I had this dream scenario of get up , go to work, the kids run off to school, I come home, pick up a few things around the house, on days Mark was off stay home and actually spend time as a couple. Rediscovering each other (no not in a sexual way you perverts!!) but going to breakfast or lunch and talking, doing some sort of activity together, working on house projects together you know what I mean. Then going back to work finish up the day with cooking for family and all sharing stories of the day. On days Mark works, well then I would pick up extra work when I felt like it or just spend the day reading, or working on some hobby. Umm yeah well life is not like my dream idea of a day well spent. Therefore.........Well....... I think I should pull Hannah out of Kindergarten. I am not ready. Can I do that?? Can I hold her back for my own selfish reasons?

I am a wee bit jealous that she is loving it. It brings tears to my eyes seeing the excitement in her eyes at the end of every day. It hurts that she no longer needs me to walk her to her bus. How did she separate herself from me so quickly. And what does this say about me for not being able to move on. My baby is growing up. In fact she is no longer a baby but a little girl. No longer the toddler. Now just a kid.

Isn't it odd that leading up to this point it's always been, "boy I can't wait till the kids grow up and go to school then I have the day to myself." Now that time has come and I have no clue how to fill my day. We give up so much of ourselves for our children that we end up hollow shells of our former selves.

How much of who we are now as seasoned parents is who we were before embarking on the journey of parenthood? My afternoons are so quiet. I now realize I don't like the quiet. My house is staying picked up. I don't like a clean house. The dogs are now spending the days lying on the kids beds and you can hear their sad sighs thru the house. The cats ..... well you know Pebbles just spends the day freely chasing KiKi. (not much change there) Mark....... is doing spans of working 9 day in a row not much help there. And when he is home not so into being my playmate for the day. Asks me what the problem is this is what I have wanted for the past 3 years.

So anyway the point of all my babble is........ Who am I? What do I like? What do I enjoy? These are the new questions I have been asking myself and I honest to goodness can't answer. I can tell you what I did pre-kids. (Work and party and get drunk haha) I can tell you what I did in toddler stages (mommy and me classes, play dates, zoo's, museum's, story times, talk on phone for endless hours with other mommies about what it will be like when they go to school all day and how much fun we will have)

I don't remember it being this hard when Ashley went to school. I would go to the Y, work out, a few days a week I would babysit twins for 1/2 the day, come home clean, and then go pick her up. Maybe this means I lost more of myself over the past 7 years?

What are your experiences in this? When your children jumped from the nest, what did you do to fill the void? How do you find yourself?